I read this comment on the Oprah Winfrey life class site and explained so much about a girlfriend's actions. I could never figure out why she did what she did as to me she was so smart and talented. Her marriage had been so abusive and the lack of support from her church devastated her and her faith. This comment explains so much and helps me understand a little more her inner person. 

http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Three-Real-Things-to-Hold-On-to-and-Two-to-Let-Go-Of-Leigh-Newman/3

babsy47

Posted: Mon 3/19/2012 8:11 PM

Today was about revelation. I couldn't quite understand why I held onto the past for many years. What I realized was that I tried to correct and clean up the period of abuse in my life. It was all about how to create a new person from such ugliness. I walked away from church, not towards. I became promiscuous as a way to prove that I had control over who I would allow to abuse me. I didn't read my Bible anymore; rather I became a new age guru. I turned off intimacy as a way to protect what little innocence was left. I married, not for love but to create a family where love would be shared equally. I did everything to the extreme, because it represented MY having control over my life.

This pattern of behavior kept me trapped in the past. I never felt the need to let go because I was always trying to recover purity, self acceptance, and control. It was not until today that it all connected. I've let go of the past, yet the good parts have a formed the bridge to my future. I now know that letting go didn't mean I had to erase who I was. I feel different. I experience life different. I'm learning the process of self-discovery every day.

For many years, I tried to be "Whiter Than Snow". White represents purity of thought, mind, and body. We are never too old to change, never too old to live life differently. It was never about my purpose, but worthiness to exist. What's so important for other people to understand is that living with abuse comes with multiple and complex issues. Letting go of pain is difficult because that pain is a part of us. We thrive to be normal, yet our definition of normal is distorted. Be patient with yourself. Today is a good day. I embrace this moment as another step towards wholeness.

My blog name

My Star Wars name is Permakirin. I thought it sounded a bit odd but went along with my new name. It sounds so alien. In Morse Code it is .--.  .  .-. --  .- -.-  ..  .-.  ..  -.